Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize