i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
