I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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