And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
