every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
