I think i peed on brittanys purse
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
