It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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