Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
