She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
