did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
