my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i came on her dog
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
