it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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