I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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