Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I have fence marks all over my body
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
