So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
