my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
