Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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