So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Randomize
