And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
