i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
