and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
