Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
