Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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