I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
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