my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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