I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
