Dual....:-)
She's JV to your varsity
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
