dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
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