I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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