i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
we should paint friendship bongs
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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