I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize