If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
