I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I DEMAND FORESKIN
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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