It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
