Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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