the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
