That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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