the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
