Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
