just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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