Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Are my feet made of real feet?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
