mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
