I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
