its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
As shirtless as possible
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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