ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
