How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
