I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
