Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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