so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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