Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
