Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
They have beer where we have blood.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
