I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
