I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
