Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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