This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
