Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
