Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
