Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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