Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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