She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
How naked do you want me to be?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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