I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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