I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
