You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
