her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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